My beloved Molly died last month.  The end happened pretty fast.  She had of course, the normal geriatric dog stuff. She was almost seventeen years old. It was her kidneys, we had her on various medications, trying to fight it, and then on daily fluids, but ultimately they didn’t work.  even on her last day, her eyes still lit up when she saw me, her tail wagged when I cuddled her.  you could tell she wanted so badly to do more than her body would allow. 

I am missing my baby girl.

The love of a dog is always there.  it’s amazing how many pictures she’s in the background of, how many videos I have of her and Abbey racing around in circles chasing each other She was a quiet but steady presence. calming. unconditional love.  I'm  feeling that absence a lot right now.

 She was partially blind and deaf and didn’t have a lot of energy this past year, but she had love and spent her last days sleeping in my room and wandering around the house looking for me. Every time I questioned whether I’d know when it was time for her to go, she’d give me a good tail wagging while she rested, letting me know she was happy. I am completely heartbroken and feeling her loss more than I ever thought humanly possible. I always knew it would be sad when we said goodbye.  losing Molly was losing a part of my family, and the pain of wanting her back to hug one more time, to whisper in her ear, to smell the top of her head, to tell her –“You MAKE this family–you’re part of me, I love you so much, you make everything better” one more time is deep and recognizable. It’s what has me curled up in bed at night, hugging her sweater.

She picked me. July 1, 2001, I walked past the The Pick of the Litter Pet store in Palm Harbor Florida with my son, and as I looked into the window I saw a tiny puppy looking back at me. We went inside and I  sat on the floor, and waited for all the puppies to approach me. But before I had the chance to pet any of them,  the tiny pure white fluff ball with huge black eyes I had seen through the window promptly walked up to me and sat at my feet. She looked up at me with those soulful eyes, and that was it. That very minute. She chose me and I fell in love. It was the first time in a long time anyone chose me. That meant everything to me and it was a debt I spent the last sixteen years and seven months repaying.  On February 1st, that same beautiful puppie stared up into my eyes one more time and said goodbye. Molly Mae. My baby girl. She was the bravest, sweetest, and the most beautiful soul I have ever known. She could make me smile. She could inspire. She could bark at thunder or fireworks and make me wonder who would back down first. Some people say it’s weird to love a pet on equal footing as a child or family member, but I suspect those people have never known what it is to be loved without condition or restriction. There were so many days she was the only one to hear my voice. There were nights so dark the only reason I made it through was to see she got breakfast in the morning. How do you thank someone who carried you through the worst days of your life? How do you love someone who has made you their everything? I don’t know. If I think of the best things that have crossed my path since 2001, nearly all of them somehow include Molly. I pray that she knew how much she was loved. I won’t lie - these last few months have been hard. Her physical and mental health spiraled down a little more every day. There were times I’d look at her and realize she didn’t know where she was, or how to get to her water or food...but she always knew me. Even in her final moments. Taking care of her through the sunset has been the greatest privilege of my life so far and even in my grief, there is so much to be grateful for. I am so glad she chose me.  If you have a fur baby, give them an extra hug  tonight. May we all be lucky enough to know that sort of love. Thank you Molly, I knew true, unconditional love because of you.

just saying'.